Top 5 Valentines Day movie turn offs

Posted on 14 February 2012
By Bert Bernstein
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Purple Revolver dusts down the VHS to separate the lusty from the lurid for your own Valentines Lovefest screening.

Playing Phil Collins and getting butter out for some sensual foreplay is bad enough, but playing any of these films is a definite passion killer.

But these films will not get anybody laid or turn you on. Pack your bags and run a mile if your date picks these as dessert on Valentines Day.

1. Irreversible

This unflinching French film stars Monica Bellucci, Vincent Cassel and Albert Dupontel. The film follows two men as they try to avenge a brutally raped girlfriend. Nudge nudge, say no more – there is literally no way back after watching the vicious rape scene.

2. Last Tango In Paris

Roundly criticised and banned in certain countries since its release 40 years ago for the film’s raw portrayal of sexual violence and emotional turmoil, with little relief. It stars Marlon Brando as an American widower who takes up an anonymous sexual relationship with a young, soon-to-be-married Parisian woman. Watch out for the infamous butter scene.

3. Pretty Woman

Richard Gere acts like he doesn’t want to become Julia Roberts’ pimp, despite turning out for the role again later in Runaway Bride. Some women profess to like this film, but it would be wise to question their sentiments. The questions it can pose makes this is a nightmare film for a romantic date – unless your date is a prostitute, in which case you’re golden. Prostitutes like Opera – little known fact, expounded by this film.

4. 9 Songs
With a soundtrack boasting Elbow and Dandy Warhols. The film shows a couple’s journey through a relationship, with their common passion for live music at Brixton Academy. Sounds harmless enough…

But it doesn’t spare the blushes of lead actors Margo Stilley and Kieran O’Brien, shown having unsimulated and very graphic sex. Including masturbation, penetrative vaginal sex, cunnilingus and fellatio. During a scene in which Stilley masturbates O’Brien’s penis after performing fellatio on him, O’Brien became the only actor who has been shown ejaculating in a mainstream, UK-produced feature.

5. American Psycho

Christian Bale takes the art of vicious seduction to a whole new level as Patrick Bateman. A particular joy is his breakdown of the pop culture impact of Genesis, while directing a pair of prostitutes to plumb new depths of self-loathing. But there are several scenes in this film guaranteed to make your date run for the door. In case of emergency, break out the chainsaw