“IT’S CHRIIIIIISMAAAAAAASSS”… which means that we have to succumb to the annual insistence of becoming sluggards. But these Yuletide movies will get you in the mood for merriment.
So collapse onto your sofa, break out the tubs of Celebrations and Heroes and give in to chomping your way to being the stone heavier you swore you wouldn’t put on.
And bonus, you can do all of this whilst watching the best, most dysfunctional family Christmas movies this side of the North Pole. You’ll soon realise that the family that surround you this Christmas might not be as dysfunctional as you previously thought.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
Whoville’s mysterious creature, the Grinch, makes it his mission to steal Christmas from his fellow festive Whos. The rude, heartless and bizarre Grinch lives alone in the mountains of Whoville and the sickly sweet Christmas angel Cindy-Lou make up this wacky film’s most unlikely duo.
Get your sick buckets at the ready as this classic movie is bound to enlighten your family to realise exactly what Christmas should be all about. Eurghhh!
The scene where the towns folk gather hand in hand around the giant tree and decide to rebuild Christmas together is sure to bring a tear to the eye of the most hardened green eyed monster and gear you up for dressing the family tree.
Grinch: “Now you listen to me, young lady! Even if we’re horribly mangled, there’ll be no sad faces on Christmas.”
Grinch (Whilst riding an out of control sleigh) “…We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die! I’m going to throw up, and then I’m going to die…” (Calms as he gets the sleigh under control) “Phew…ha! Almost lost my cool there”.
Dr Seuss: “Maybe Christmas”, he thought, “doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
Unaccompanied Minors (2006)
Unaided juveniles…snowed in at Hoover International Airport…with no parents or adults to constrain them…what more could you want? This Christmas these children bond over causing havoc and running riot.
But they ultimately find themselves creating their own festive celebrations with their new family – other random people also stranded at the airport.
What could be more dysfunctional than that?
Charlie Goldfinch: “Well, I love Christmas and I’m Jewish!”
Grace Conrad: “Charlie, just because you like to compensate for your abandonment issues by stuffing yourself into small womblike spaces doesn’t mean everybody does.”
Home Alone (1990)
An undisputed Christmas classic. We all know that our family triples in size over the festive period and making them disappear usually only happens in our imaginations.
But for Kevin McCallister his wish came true when his overly large family actually forgot about him, leaving him home alone whilst they jet off to sunny Florida.
And what screams Christmas more than watching Macaulay Culkin set up some pretty brutal booby traps in an attempt to defeat two ridiculously idiotic burglars?
Megan McCallister: “You’re not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?”
Buzz McCallister: “No, for three reaons: A, I’m not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole of the United States of America…period.”
Gangster ‘Johnny’: “Keep the change, ya filthy animal.” (Obvs)
The National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (1989)
And finally a good, old-fashioned, “family Chrithmath” (in the style of frozen to the bone) Daddy Clark Griswold, which is all he wants for himself and family.
It’s a shame his relatives include a revolting hillbilly cousin, a pair of in laws that despise one another and toupee-wearing uncle, who manages to set the Christmas tree alight whilst blowing up a cat.
Clark does his upmost to create the most jolly and traditional Christmas that any household has ever had, but instead he makes the Griswolds the ultimate dysfunctional family.
If you’re feeling the stress and strain of decorating the house and the rows break out about where to place the lights on the tree, put this movie on and your worries about how weird your family are, will melt away.
Clark Griswold (angry about not getting his Christmas bonus from his boss): “I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah!… Holy Shit!”
Uncle Lewis: “Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.”
Clark: “Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything.”
Uncle Lewis: “Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it!”
Clark Sr.: “SQUIRRRRRREL!”
And even though we know that TV rots our brains and turns our eyes square, make sure that this Christmas holiday you have yourself a merry little movie marathon with these dysfunctional family favourites. It really is the most wonderful time of the year!